*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
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the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?