Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
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Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
When you kidnap a writer.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.