Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.