Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Lmfaoooooo
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?