I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.
[job interview at Sears]
MANAGER: why do you want to work here?
ME: because I need a jo-
MANAGER: do you even know what we sell?
ME: …i don’t :/
MANAGER: *slides me a name tag* neither do we
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Wait for it
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.