Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

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I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there


Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁


Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.


[job interview at Sears]

MANAGER: why do you want to work here?

ME: because I need a jo-

MANAGER: do you even know what we sell?

ME: …i don’t :/

MANAGER: *slides me a name tag* neither do we


Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.


My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist


Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.


I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.