Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Still cracks me up
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
…u ok Nintendo?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa