@SardonicTart

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

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@jshbck

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

@torrami

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

@iGreenMonk

Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.

@jazz_inmypants

[job interview at Sears]

MANAGER: why do you want to work here?

ME: because I need a jo-

MANAGER: do you even know what we sell?

ME: …i don’t :/

MANAGER: *slides me a name tag* neither do we

@WilliamRodgers

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

@ShortSleeveSuit

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

@yogaknifefight

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

@lmegordon

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.