Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
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I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Breaking news:
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
The three genders.