Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.