Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
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Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.