[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
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HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q