@vangobot

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

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@Lowenaffchen

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

@Dr_Dweezil

google glass is going to revolutionize the way america walks into oncoming traffic

@LindaInDisguise

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

@BuckyIsotope

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

@DBMaxP

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

@KalvinMacleod

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

@BMCarbaugh

At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread