Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
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It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes: