Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
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interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Stick it to the man