@Parkerlawyer

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

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@Ophelia_808

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

@JimmerThatisAll

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

@Iwriteforcats

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

@tweetsaboutdog

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@realHamOnWry

Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.

@lasergirl70

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

@BillWeirCNN

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

@T_N_Crumpets

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

@sarcasticmommy4

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”