I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
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People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”