Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
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I think we should hear other voices.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
i think we should see other cousins
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing