[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
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MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.