A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
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Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.