Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
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In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview