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me: alexa, make all these people leave my house

alexa: *plays the chainsmokers*


GOD: let’s make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball
ANGEL: but why wou-
GOD: and we’ll call it an armadillo for some reason


My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?


friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it


On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.


My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can’t get laid.


It’s freezing in my office, I wish I owned a Samsung Note 7.


*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist


FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*