Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
wishing you and yours all the best
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.