*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
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In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.