*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

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Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.


[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.


[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?


[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go


I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”


I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity


A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.


if i must be murdered, my one request is that you leave my body propped up in a spinning chair faced away from the door so that whoever finds me will gently tap my shoulder and cause the chair to turn and theatrically reveal my corpse while thunder rolls above


Cop burst through every window of my house as I perform the illegal Google search ‘teen age mutant ninja turtles with no Shells on ‘