@HolycrapitsaKat
@CoolCamel69
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
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@CoolCamel69
@Gupton68
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
@mydmac
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
@pinupteacher
I’m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I’ll never ever use one again. I’m so excited about it. Yes.
@HomeProbably
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
@karlhess
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
@realrossnoble
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
@Jake_Vig
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
@Mr_Kapowski
The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station
@Marlebean
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop