@HolycrapitsaKat

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

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@CoolCamel69

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

@Gupton68

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

@mydmac

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

@pinupteacher

I’m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I’ll never ever use one again. I’m so excited about it. Yes.

@karlhess

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

@realrossnoble

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

@Jake_Vig

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

@Mr_Kapowski

The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station

@Marlebean

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop