Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
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my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.