Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
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My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Close call…
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I think my mom just blocked me
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?