“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
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Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing