Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
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the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
water it, i dare you
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that