My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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everyone has that one prude friend
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up