@Merman_Melville

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

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@ItsSamG

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

@RodLacroix

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

@chuuew

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

@prufrockluvsong

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

@junejuly12

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

@MNateShyamalan

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

@bobvulfov

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go