(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

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Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security


[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.


[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]


me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins


If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.


We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.


the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille


when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go