Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
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Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too