Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
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Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I have questions??
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Happy Caturday!
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”