Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

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Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.


If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it


Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?


Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.


me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast


My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, “I miss you dad, please take me fishing.” But it keeps coming out like, “Hey, can I have $20 dollars.”


I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”


Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?

Boss: Today!