Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
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waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k