*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
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I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.