Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
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my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.