The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”