Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.