[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
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It always amuses me when I see tweets from people clearly using words they don’t understand, thus making themselves look aerodynamic.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
50% avoiding getting up to pee
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*