Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
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[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Software Development ⛵️
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
😩😩😩
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
They’re on their honeymoon
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
The news
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what