Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
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Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?