Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
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*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Sounds like a bargain
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT