@mattZillaaaa

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

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@lilgapeach30

3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.

@JB4Realz

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

@angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

@figgled

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

@BuckyIsotope

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

@wildethingy

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

@ilovepie84

Do I put my grandma’s cast iron skillet on the top or bottom rack of the dishwasher?

I’m surprising her by doing the dishes for her.

@TheBoydP

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

@DadandBuried

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.