Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

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3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.


me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…


Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.


Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs


THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”


The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.


Do I put my grandma’s cast iron skillet on the top or bottom rack of the dishwasher?

I’m surprising her by doing the dishes for her.


“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion


60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.