Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
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[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.
It’s hilarious that people still asking me to write for exposure. I died of exposure MONTHS AGO! My corpse is rotting on the Oregon Trail!!!
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?