Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

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Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??


[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”


A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.


My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.


If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.


It’s hilarious that people still asking me to write for exposure. I died of exposure MONTHS AGO! My corpse is rotting on the Oregon Trail!!!


[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me


I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?