@SortaSarcastic: Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I'd like for you to look at.
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@AmishPornStar1: *gently releases can of tuna into the ocean* Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
@JimmerThatisAll: In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
@ramblinma: Before kids: I'll never let my kids eat that garbage. After kids: "Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that's just the marshmallows?"
@thetigersez: The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.