Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
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ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”