*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.