SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
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wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
dictator is short for richard potato
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.