Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

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GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!


Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.


*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*


Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*


Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.


“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious


please excuse me while i search for a new psychiatrist


My New Year’s resolution was to lose weight. Was going good until I woke up this morning.