@QwertyJones3
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
@numeri33
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
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@QwertyJones3
@BucMarvin
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
@ourdailybadge
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
@noog
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
@sixfootcandy
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
@LoveNLunchmeat
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
@FatherWithTwins
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
@jnudey
please excuse me while i search for a new psychiatrist
@envydatropic
My New Year’s resolution was to lose weight. Was going good until I woke up this morning.
@legendofchelda
