@numeri33

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

@thatdutchperson

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

@zachreinert03

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

@3sunzzz

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

@_davidlucas_

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

@myonlymizztake

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

@Ivsy01

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

@stuckinaportal

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]