@sixfootcandy
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
@numeri33
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
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@sixfootcandy
@WhaJoTalkinBout
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
@thatdutchperson
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
@zachreinert03
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
@3sunzzz
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
@_davidlucas_
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
@fillthevacuum
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
@myonlymizztake
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
@Ivsy01
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
@stuckinaportal
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]