@numeri33

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

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@QwertyJones3

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

@BucMarvin

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

@noog

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

@sixfootcandy

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

@LoveNLunchmeat

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

@FatherWithTwins

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

@jnudey

please excuse me while i search for a new psychiatrist

@envydatropic

My New Year’s resolution was to lose weight. Was going good until I woke up this morning.