Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please


If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin


In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties


My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.


There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.


Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.


Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.


me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]