Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
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[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My dad teaching me to drive
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
whenever i wake up before my alarm
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.