someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
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[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up