[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
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Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.