[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?