@roxiqt

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

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@ryaninco

Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.

@jonnysun

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

@JasonBerlin

You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.

@jpbrammer

weird that we call it “ghosting” when literally ghosts whole thing is that they won’t leave

@divergentmama

If bees have to die after they sting you, then at the very least I hope mosquitoes get hangovers that make them feel like death after they bite drunk people.

@GingerFactor

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

@Jennuflect

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

@ShutUpThatsWho

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

@DaddyJew

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

@FoxCGrandpa

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”