[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

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Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.


normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis


You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.


weird that we call it “ghosting” when literally ghosts whole thing is that they won’t leave


If bees have to die after they sting you, then at the very least I hope mosquitoes get hangovers that make them feel like death after they bite drunk people.


No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….


[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men


GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned



Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people


If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”