[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me too
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.