@Reverend_Scott

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

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@3sunzzz

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

@daemonic3

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

@Tmoney68

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

@EndhooS

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

@mdob11

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

@djdarrellripley

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

@trayofcheese

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?