When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
911: GET OUT GET OUT
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Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?