@UncleDuke1969

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

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@SteussieErica

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

@Snarfernini

If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.*

*including zombie apocalypse

@Snarfernini

Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like

Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…

Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!

@dlsims01

Invitations: $10
Cupcakes: $15
Facility rental: $100

Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless

Math of a mother

@AbbieEvansXO

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

@sarahjoyshockey

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

@Pmerrily

I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong

@HatfieldAnne

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

@Home_Halfway

ME: Do you think if El Salvador stopped being a country, god would make a country called El Salvawindow

UBER DRIVER: This ride is free if you stop talking