1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Hefner or Grant?
– Horton Hears a Hugh
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“Use the forceps, Luke!” – Obi Gyn Kenobi
If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
*including zombie apocalypse
Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like
Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…
Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!
Facility rental: $100
Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless
Math of a mother
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
ME: Do you think if El Salvador stopped being a country, god would make a country called El Salvawindow
UBER DRIVER: This ride is free if you stop talking