Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
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“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
This why you should mind your business
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.