@215potter

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

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@87bidi

[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me

@OddMarc

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

@maisondecris

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

@iGreenMonk

My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me.

At least that’s one thing she has in common with my wife.

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Why don’t you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning?

Me: Because I’m not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.

@TweetsByKaylee

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

@squirrel74wkgn

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

@ChillGates69

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

@tayandmae

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

@BrendanMcKeigan

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.