Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

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[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me


If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?


[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen


My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me.

At least that’s one thing she has in common with my wife.


Coworker: Why don’t you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning?

Me: Because I’m not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.


[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here


monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here



Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…


Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold


My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband


Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.