Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
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Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Who says great literature is dead?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.