Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
Thank god he is good looking.
You Might Also Like
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.
*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
*Me, in class trying to covertly look at why my phone is blowing up*
My breaking news app: There are aliens on Venus
My friends: Dude. Aliens. Venus
Twitter: I’m gonna have sex w/ Venus Aliens
*Looking after class*
News: There may be a sign of life on Venus but probably not
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
my dad always makes fun of me for taking selfies all the time but if he didn’t want such a beautiful child he should’ve kept it in his pants
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal
“Head or tail?”
Her: That’s not how this works!