Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
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Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
no!! no!!!!!!
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward