Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

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Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.


Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*


*Me, in class trying to covertly look at why my phone is blowing up*

My breaking news app: There are aliens on Venus

My friends: Dude. Aliens. Venus

Twitter: I’m gonna have sex w/ Venus Aliens

*Looking after class*
News: There may be a sign of life on Venus but probably not


[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.


My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.


i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later


my dad always makes fun of me for taking selfies all the time but if he didn’t want such a beautiful child he should’ve kept it in his pants


I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*


my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal