After grandpa’s unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
Thank god he is good looking.
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The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?