@Jennifergr8

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

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@jazmasta

After grandpa’s unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.

@smerobin

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

@TheToddWilliams

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

@Holy_Mowgli

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

@jenyb4

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

@TheHyyyype

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

@kentgrossarth

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

@nayele18maybe

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

@ericsshadow

Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?