Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
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Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My typo game is string.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
How it started: How it’s going:
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3