Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
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Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn