Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!